Billionaires Across Nation Struggle with Cheeto Dust, Public Hairs Stuck in Teeth

SILICON VALLEY — In what experts are calling “the great equalizer,” billionaires everywhere have reportedly been facing an unexpected crisis: an epidemic of Cheeto dust inhalation paired with rogue public hairs finding their way between their gleaming, professionally whitened teeth. The mishaps have been observed from Wall Street to Silicon Valley, where moguls are reportedly spending precious minutes fumbling in an attempt to free the offending hairs while avoiding eye contact with onlookers.

Witnesses at private soirées and board meetings report seeing some of the world’s wealthiest figures, including tech CEOs and hedge fund managers, caught in an ongoing battle with fluorescent-orange dust clouds that often result in gagging, coughing, and hasty reaches for imported sparkling water. “These are the people shaping our future, and yet here they are, squirming over Cheeto dust,” commented one partygoer at an exclusive tech gala in San Francisco. “It’s like watching lions brought down by popcorn.”

The crisis has prompted a series of “emergency etiquette workshops” at elite clubs across the country, where high net-worth individuals are learning techniques for gracefully removing wayward hairs while maintaining composure. “We’ve built empires, scaled heights unknown, but this Cheeto dust and rogue hair situation… it’s humbling,” admitted one embarrassed billionaire. Financial analysts, meanwhile, assure the public that while billionaires struggle with these minor setbacks, their fortunes remain intact, though their dignity may have taken a temporary hit.