Trump Convicted of 34 Felonies, Declares Self ‘Most Productive Criminal in History’

In a stunning turn of events, former President Donald Trump has been convicted of 34 felonies, proudly declaring himself the “Most Productive Criminal in History.” Flanked by his legal team and a golden statue of himself, Trump boasted at a press conference, “I’ve been convicted of more felonies than anyone else, believe me. Hillary? Zero. Sleepy Joe? Not even close.” The charges range from tax evasion and obstruction of justice to jaywalking and impersonating a police officer, leaving legal experts baffled by the sheer volume. “It’s like he was trying to collect them all,” said one prosecutor.

I’ve been convicted of more felonies than anyone else, believe me. Hillary? Zero. Sleepy Joe? Not even close.

Unfazed by his legal troubles, Trump has turned his convictions into a marketing opportunity, launching a new line of “Trump Conviction” merchandise, featuring items like “34 Felonies and Counting” t-shirts and “Lock Him Up” bobbleheads. “The merchandise is selling out faster than Trump steaks,” claimed Eric Trump. Despite the gravity of his convictions, Trump remains optimistic about his future, suggesting he might run for president again from his cell. “These felonies are fake news,” he said. “In fact, I might run for president again from my cell. They say I can’t, but we’ll see about that.”