Photo: The modern design of the Green Oaks Mall On Thursday, Michael Fawkes (left) went shopping at the Green Oaks Mall near his house in suburban Connecticut. The hobby artist and muralist purchased some clothes at the Old Navy and a new set of paints at the art store in the mall. When Fawkes went to sign the screen at the checkout counter, “a sudden … Continue reading Man Spends 30 Minutes on Credit Card Signature
Photo: This is not what happened SPRINGFIELD, MO- In Springfield, Missouri, a man was not killed by a falling rhino. In fact, a woman was not flattened by a falling rhino. No one was flattened by a falling rhino. Nobody was flattened by a rhino, falling or not. Also, no people were stabbed to death by drunk zebras or Farmer Graham’s cattle. A total of zero football coaches were bribed … Continue reading Man Not Flattened by Falling Rhino
Photo: This guy doesn’t need a Fitbit to win! AMHERST, NH- Recently, a man named Nico Jones-Douglas decided that it would be good idea to do the Fitbit challenge. He had been losing to his friends that did the challenge with him previously. “I was having trouble finding someone to do the challenge with me that I could actually beat. So I looked at [my dog] … Continue reading Dog Owner Puzzled Why Dog is Winning Fitbit Challenge
Recently, it was discovered that the Republican National Committee was also hacked, but unlike the Democrats, their emails were not exposed. Yesterday, a small band of hackers hacked the hackers that hacked the political emails. “The [small band of] hackers were able to steal 152 emails before they lost internet connection,” says Rufus Lenhart, a reporter for The Hacker News, “This is a problem we all … Continue reading The Best of the RNC Emails
Photo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME! Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump forgot to put his mask on before giving a speech. It was a few minutes into the speech when the unintelligent creature realised that that the vital article of clothing was missing from his face and hair. The mask is in the form of a thin plastic sheet. It is colored to cover … Continue reading Donald Trump Shows His True Colors
In California, the home of The Faux Report’s main office, the locals are always prepared for an earthquake, and likewise never phased when one occurs. This immunity to the natural disaster Californians have developed is a bi-product of the constant earthquakes scheduled by the Government to take place in the Golden State. However, many Californians, and others interested in visiting the warm, beach-speckled state, have expressed … Continue reading Government Proposes New Earthquake Schedule
NEW YORK CITY, N.Y – “There is a very organized process taking place as I decide on Cabinet and many other positions. I am the only one who knows who the finalists are,” said Donald Trump on November 16th after the election. But sadly, Trump has now lost his precious ‘secret’ as he recently was forced to reveal it to the country. The results are as follows. Secretary … Continue reading Donald Trump Announces Government Officials
Photo: The proposed location for Mountain Dew National Park NEW YORK CITY, NY- President-Elect Donald Trump has finally decided on the first thing that he will do as the new President. Announcing it on Twitter yesterday, Donald Trump plans to make a new national park. Later, Trump gave more information about the Tweet. Here are his words: Donald Trump only managed to get out that he … Continue reading Trump Names New National Park
Report cards can be worded in complicated ways, and most times you have no idea what they say and what grade your child received. We spent many weeks looking at children’s report cards, and we finally came up with this translation.
Photo: A field of haystacks at sunset. Pretty innocent looking, huh? MARAMURES, ROMANIA- After many years, the extra terrestrial unit from the Romanian Government finally found the purpose of the many haystacks in their country’s fields. They discovered that the haystacks started off as a peaceful species. Then, in the late 14th century, extraterrestrials brought a virus from the gas planet known as 16Q7, and set … Continue reading What Is The Haystacks’ Sinister Purpose?