The Perfect Valentine’s Day Treat For 2017

Buckle up all you love bugs you, because Valentines Day is just around the corner!  Ahh yes, that beautiful holiday, celebrating love, happiness, and small hearts made out of chalk, featuring perverted messages, advertised as candy!  And what better way to celebrate Valentines Day than to gorge yourself on all the succulent, rich, love filled sweets that orbit around the cheerful holiday!  Chocolate boxes, bars, and buffets, cookies, cakes, and extravagant lollipops, ice cream, frozen yogurt, pies, and tarts cut into hearts, all doused with pink food coloring!  And while one can purchase any number of these guilty indulgences, I cannot conceive of a finer way to celebrate the holiday than to bake your very own confection!

This cupcake recipe is everything you will need to have a grand old time this Tuesday! The cakes are fluffy, moist, rich and complex, and of course darkly chocolaty, and all fluffed up on top with a gorgeous helping of soft swirled buttercream!  Enjoy thoroughly y’all!

Chocolate Cupcakes with Vanilla Buttercream Frosting Recipe:
Prep time
10 mins (If your a super human god who can move at the speed of light to the power of infinity and beyond ya turd…)
Cook time
20 mins (Unless you own the kind of oven that actually heats up.  I let my cupcakes sit until they look a little sickly than, you know,  just shove ’em in my face.)
Total time
30 mins  (That is, if you pause to spit in the batter…What?  That’s not a murder weapon…hehehehehe)
Serves 12  (Well, only six gluttons if you wanna get technical.)
Ingredients
  • 1 cup all-purpose flour (Coconut flour if I’m being real.  Low carb ya fatsos)
  • 1 cup granulated sugar
  • ½ cup cocoa (Use a teaspoon, kettle bell weight, and loofah to measure)
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • ½ teaspoon baking soda  (This will help your little baby cakes get extra poofy, in case you already screwed something already, IDIOT.)
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ½ teaspoon espresso powder  (CAFFEINE!!!!!  What?  You wanna know what I’m on?  Well, I’ll give ya two guesses.  Hint:  They’r both right.)
  • ½ cup milk
  • ¼ cup vegetable oil
  • 1 large egg  (Ostrich will do.)
  • ½ teaspoon vanilla
  • ½ cup boiling water  (Use the water from the faucet, it tends to take better then bodily fluids.)
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 325º F.  And no, I don’t have the measurement in Celsius ya dang Europeans.
  2. Place cupcake liners in muffin tin. Spray lightly with cooking spray, or another anti-sticking agent such as green apple dandruff shampoo.
  3. Add flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, salt and espresso powder to a large bowl or the bowl of a stand mixer. Whisk through to combine or, using your paddle attachment, stir through flour mixture until combined well, because if there are any bits of flour visible in the cupcakes everyone will refuse to eat them thinking it’s arsenic, even though that only happened once.
  4. Add milk, vegetable oil, egg, and vanilla to flour mixture and mix together on medium speed until well combined. Reduce speed and carefully add boiling water to the cake batter. Beat on high speed for about 1 minute to add air to the batter.  Don’t want your sweets to look like the cat you ran over on that fateful night!
  5. Evenly distribute cake batter. Each cupcake liner should be about ½ full, because otherwise your cupcakes will look like muffins and that would stupid.
  6. Place in the oven and bake until a toothpick, or other sharp items, a tool from your “Beginners Guide To Professional Stabbing Kit” for instance, inserted in the center comes out clean, about 20 minutes.
  7. Remove from the oven and allow the cupcakes to cool completely.
  8. Prepare Buttercream Frosting according to instructions
Classic Vanilla Buttercream Frosting Recipe:
Prep time
10 mins  (To those who are from the moon, planning to replicate the molecular structure of the politician, this time is accurate.)
Total time
10 mins  (This time unit was measured in the eighth caliber of newtons law, examining the fundamentals of religious faith, as well as considering the pessimistic ways of Nietzsche, to the platonic watt of forty five polka dots.)
Serves: 4½ cups  (The average consumption of a Russian man per day…FACT.)
Ingredients
  • 1 cup butter (2 sticks), softened  (Using an antenna to soften butter is well, uncouth.)
  • 3 – 4 cups confectioner’s sugar  (So, I’m really not sure how much confectioners sugar I used, ’cause it got all mixed up with the white powdery residue my old batteries were leaking…Why was I collecting battery residue?……….)
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • pinch salt
  • 2-3 tablespoons milk, heavy cream, or half-and-half  (Dieting Tip:  Craving that chocolate you’v got in the cabinet you little devil, you!  Well, feed it to whatever cow you’v got on hand, and they will poop heavy cream.  Why, you may  ask?  SCIENCE!!!)

Instructions

  1. Place softened butter into the bowl of a stand mixer that has been fitted with the paddle attachment. Turn the mixer on a medium setting and cream the butter until it is smooth and has lightened in color, about 3 minutes.  If you are impatient, use mayonnaise.
  2. Add confectioner’s sugar, ½ a cup at a time. After each cup has been incorporated, turn the mixer onto the highest speed setting and for about 10 seconds to lighten the frosting.  Heavy frosting can clog up someones wind pipe, causing them to choke and die, which will not look good next to all the other, eh, imperfections, yeah, on your track record…Trust me.
  3. Add vanilla and a pinch of salt and combine until well-incorporated.
  4. Add milk, heavy cream or half-and-half until the frosting has reached the preferred consistency. For a firmer frosting, add more confectioner’s sugar, a ¼ cup at a time. For a softer frosting, add more milk or cream, a tablespoon at a time.  But, whatever.  You can do anything you want ’cause, lets be real.  Know-ones gonna eat cupcakes baked by a……oh…look behind you child!

Enjoy this Valentines Day sweet treat!

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