Photo: This is not what happened
SPRINGFIELD, MO- In Springfield, Missouri, a man was not killed by a falling rhino. In fact, a woman was not flattened by a falling rhino. No one was flattened by a falling rhino. Nobody was flattened by a rhino, falling or not. Also, no people were stabbed to death by drunk zebras or Farmer Graham’s cattle. A total of zero football coaches were bribed by wild lemurs, and less than zero of them accepted the money. Four people were not mobbed by roaring lions. The four monkeys involved in a clever credit card scandal were not released from prison.
In Springfield, Illinois, a man was killed by a falling anvil. In fact, a woman was flattened by a falling anvil. Everyone was flattened by a falling anvil.